Assalamualaikum and Hi
Ermm.. Hi people. Actually, I'm planning to write a post tomorrow to conclude my 2016 and just recap whatever that happened this whole year esok. But then, a lil teaser wont hurt you kann..
So, if you only want to know about how life of syera (the law student) this year, it'll be tomorrow.
As for now, i just want to be ira (my love life alter ego) for a while before entering 2017.
So bear with me for a bit, okayyy??
Camne nak cakap eh.. I'm not upset, tapi lebih kepada sedar diri. Kalau perasan, I did found someone earlier this year, not going to say that we actually have something ke apa, as me myself not sure what are we actually. Thats why i kept ranting this whole year..hahahaha. Anyway, i must admit that it's not easy for me to make such decision, to open up to someone new. Seriously, i think about this over and over and over and over again just to ensure that I'll not go through what i've been through before. And after so much thoughts, with the help of God of course, i decided to give it a try as i believe it's something totally worth it. People around me said a lot about my decision. Some supported my decision, some warned me as if i did something terribly wrong. However, for once, I'm not sure why, i just want to be reckless even though i know the risk I'm going to face.
But, the problem is, I'm not sure why, but there's a line between us, but we're not sure what's the line. It's vague. And that caused so much problems to me. I'm not sure who i am, I'm not sure how far i can know or ask or care. It's difficult. I'm not sure whether I'm allowed to be jealous or not, am i allowed to be mad or sad or happy or not. And worst of all, I'm not sure if you're in all these too or I'm the only one. Maybe we're not on the same page. I might say 'us', but for u, it's still a 'you and me'. I know my tendency to be overly attached, and i did it once before, and you just left. It hurts a lot u know when you're trying your best to stay, but u're the only one who wanted to do so. So, at that time, I back out. Ashamed. Embarrassed.
However, I'm not sure how, naturally we end up contacting each other back, which in my point of view, the second chance. Mula-mula okay, but makin lama, i finally noticed whats going on. These symptoms happened to me with that guy before. Urmm, i can say that we're drifted apart.. hahhaah..
I end up getting blueticks, my questions left unanswered, my jokes and daily conversations tergantung.. u can say i'm being childish or over or whatever, but honestly, malu, segan semua ada.
I tried my best to make this thing happen despite getting so much hate by others, but fighting alone is not my thing anymore. I used to, but i don't think i can do it again.
I used to fight alone for so long even though i know that relay supposed to end already since 3 years ago, but i brainwashed myself to believe that everything will be okay somehow. The thought of people leaving my life is horrifying. Haunted me for so long. I used to accept everything, forgive everything, tolerate a lot just to ensure he didn't leave my side.
'I'm okay with anything, I'm not mad at you, as long as you're in my life'
That used to be my everyday chant. Just like right now, every single day, i wish that you're the one.
'If he's not the right one, let me know earlier so that I'll not get that into him. If he's the one, I leave everything to YOU. I know you're the best planner. Please please please make him stay. I'll be a good girl. I promise '.
Do you know how hard i try to bribe GOD.... hahahaha.. but seriously, looking at what we are now, I'm not sure whether i still want to fight for it or not. I'm not giving up, i just want to leave it alone. Insyallah, ada setahun lebih je lagi. Just like our first contract/agreement/memorandum, kalau ada, ada la kan. Till then, we'll be great friends k.
seriously, I'm not mad at u or give up ke apa, i just hate the fact that i'm assuming things on my own, not knowing who i am actually. That's all. Someone who used to say that he loves me, end up saying that I'm not worth it. I'm just scared. Tu je. But hey, I'm still your fan girl.. hahahaha.. tengok dari jauh. lol sedih sangat.. Ermm, tu je kot. Goodluck tho. With everything.
XOXO,
Ira
P/s: I have few alter egos. Syera is the normal law student or your normal friend or introvert, super mysterious batchmate. Kak Ngah is that independent daughter (sometimes like a son). Hira or Heera is the mooter or the Malaysian friend for my friends from other countries. Irah is the super senyap cousin or niece. And last but not least, Ira, the one who always have love life problems.
Update (August 2017): So, I wrote this post on the last day of 2016, but not sure why i end up saving it in the draft box and not post it on the blog. Anyway, here's the update. Well, I did fight for it for quite some time, but then I gave up knowing that there's no hope for it to work. And yeah, that person found a better one, and Syera still Syera. And he's not the only one who walked away. But life goes on. Currently, someone did approach me with unexpected way. Too early to say anything about it, but personally i don't think it will work because we're wayyy different. Family background, race, religion, language, appearance. But the fact that someone respects my religion, it is quite amusing. Hahahaha, rasa macam nak dedicate one post just for this thing because it's a very unique story and experience. Jap, I'm not playgirl ke apa. I'm not pretty to be that kind of girl. Things just happened hahaha. Ok la. Tu je kot for the update
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