This is my last letter to you. The last time I met you was more or less 3 years ago. And for the past 3 years, I've been hating, missing, mad and cursed at you a lot. I really did. The first few months, I was in denial. I'm not sure how everything ends up that way. I'm so confused. Then, the next few months I started to hate you and cursed you a lot. The past few months, I must admit, somehow I missed you. It's not easy when you thought you've moved on, but end up having flashbacks of our memories.
Once in a while, when things were too bad and too much for me to handle, I end up texted you and regretted my action the very next minute. I know, to text you again by itself is a wrong action, and texting you while knowing that you're someone's someone is even worse. That's why I end up deleting all those conversations. I'm sorry.
As an introvert, I'm not that good at opening up to people. It just happened that you're the one who successfully makes me feel comfortable and I end up letting you enter my bubble. And for almost 3 years, I have relied on you maybe for too much. It's too burdensome for you I guess. So you left. I was lost. I don't know where to go, whom to talk to, which number to dial, who to text with, who should I ask questions, who can help me to make decisions, who can I laugh with.. I kept everything to myself and it was unbearable.
After our break up, it took me months or even years to move on. I can still remember how hard it was when I decided to throw away our pictures, to delete our conversation, to delete our songs, to learn to not use your perfume. It was so hard. When I completely forgot about you, you somehow appeared again. I saw your pictures on other people's Instagram, I walked passed someone who used the same perfume as yours and I heard songs from our days. To make it even weirder, at one point, I realized that I've forgotten how you look like, but you appeared in my dreams multiple times. I have no idea why.
At this point, you must be wondering why this is the last letter?
We became 'we' right after high school. That's when I made most of the important decisions in my life. I can't deny the fact that your existence, your words, and your presence influenced my decisions in one way or another. I decided to pursue Foundation in Law without any plan to pursue a degree in the same field. I graduated with a bachelor of law and in less than 10 days, I will be called to the Bar as an advocate & solicitor. As my long journey in life that has your influence in it will end soon, I do believe this last letter is needed.
When I did my Foundation, you're there. When I stepped into my degree years, you were there too, but you decided to leave not long after that. My imagination and wish of having you during my graduation crumbled. And now that I'm going to be called to the Bar, I have no idea where you are.
Anyway, as I'm at this point in my life, I knew and I'm sure that you're my past, and I'm okay with it.
So, dear you,
I'm pretty much sure you'll not see this post, but in case, a few years from now, you somehow remember about my existence and decided to check this blog again, I just want you to know few things.
First, thank you. Thank you for being part of my life. Thank you for creating good memories with me. Thank you for giving me lessons that I'll never be able to learn from others. Thank you for being my first in a lot of things. Thank you for your time, for your effort, and for your presence. You were there when I need you the most. You were there as my friend, as my loved one, as my so-much-more.
Second, sorry. I'm so sorry for not being a great partner. I was young back then. Clueless most of the time. But you guide and protect me well. I have been inconsiderate and short-tempered sometimes, but you stayed by my side and tried your best to understand my decisions. Sorry for not being there when you need me. You must have thought of leaving a lot of times but me, being inconsiderate and oblivious, I asked you to stay when you just want to leave. Sorry for being clueless again when you left.
Third, Goodluck. I got to know you first as this one sweet young man. At one point you changed a lot that sometimes, I barely able to recognize you. But I know you became a great young man when you left. And I do believe you'll be a better person in the future. Whatever you're pursuing or planning to do in the future, I wish you all the best wishes. Goodluck. You'll do just fine.
Last but not least, thank you so much for everything. I'm okay now. I'll be just fine. You used to say that I'll be just fine because you'll always be there for me, but I can proudly say now that I'll be just fine on my own. Ira kan kuat.. Ira abang kuat. Ira dah graduate. Ira akan longcall soon. Ira achieved all that. Thanks to you, I learned to be stronger. Abang, thank you.
Thank you for being there before. I'll be okay on my own from now on.
Thank you for being my abang.
This is my last letter.
Take care.
XOXO,
Ira.
