*Disclaimer: This post was written on 28th April 2021. 2.10 am. Few months before turning 26 y.o. I'm not sure when I'll publish this post, or most probably end up as a draft forever. But if you're reading this post now, that means I'm successfully overcome one of the toughest periods in my life.
It has been almost 2 years since the last time I met people other than my parents, my sibs
and J&T people.
What actually happened in my life?
3 years ago, right after law school, I decided to do my chambering. As someone who doesn't have any family members or close seniors (plus, I'm a total introvert) in the legal field, I'm not sure who I can refer to to get advice on what to do next after law school. I totally depended on the words passed on by alumni and seniors to my fellow friends. The only seniors I knew were those who had only been in the industry for less than 5 years. So, like any other law grads, the only thought that went through my mind at that moment was to do my pupil-in-chamber as 'sayang la kalau penat belajar asasi setahun and law school 4 tahun but tak chambering and call to the bar'. So, with that mindset, during my final semester of law school, I started to apply to as many law firms as possible (mid to big law firms).
Luckily, I got a call for an interview from a big law firm. I'm honestly so surprised as my pointer is not that good, I graduated with a 2nd upper. The interview was superrrr long, more than an hour. And shockingly, I'm offered a pupillage placement at the first interview I'm called for. Again, as I don't know many seniors/alumni, I only ask the opinion of a few of my friends, seniors, and lecturers. Like any other law grads would say, placement for chambering is like a lucky draw. You'll never know what you'll go through in any firm no matter what's their size, where they're situated, or how much allowance they're offering. It's more of a case-by-case basis. Some were lucky enough to get into a firm with many learning experiences offered, a nice working environment, great pupils friends, and reasonable allowance.
In my case, it was a mix of everything. Tbh, it's not anyone's fault. Maybe I was not the right person and not ready for that working environment at that moment. I went through some culture shocks at first, tried my best to overcome them, did my best to find my spot in that environment, and trying to learn as much as possible. Some works, some failed miserably. Tbh, it was hard for me. Somehow at some point, I covered my miserableness with a countdown. Every single day I count how many days are left till I get called to the bar.
Well, I did survive till longcall. Despite those days when I cried alone in the toilet or left alone uninvited to meetups, being the only one who can't understand the conversation as I can't understand the language etc. Again, I don't blame anyone. It's my fault in the end for not being able to adapt myself and find my place in the environment. So, after my longcall, I still need to go to the firm to file my papers. At that point, I'm already back in Perak, so I have to drive all the way to KL once every two weeks. And each time I stepped into the firm, I end up being very anxious. It started off with mild shaking, then I started to have breathing difficulty. It went so bad a few times till I decided, I had enough of all these, I can't do it anymore, and I'm not supposed to feel anything like this in my life.
So, one day, I just stop everything. I stop contacting my friends, deleted all my tweets, and nobody can contact me. Of course, a few of my friends started to feel I was suddenly off the radar and started to get worried. And few days turned into few weeks. Few weeks turned into few months. And those few months turned into almost 2 years.
It's not just that firm. I literally started to have sort of trauma against anything related to the legal industry/jobs. I was shaking so bad when I watched a drama about lawyers and when FB suddenly send a reminder of pictures of me during chambering days.
By the end of 2019, I was sicked for almost 3 months till early 2020. Then Covid struck. When I started to have a lil bit of courage to get a job back, suddenly no company or firm are hiring. Most of them started to close their business. No matter how many job application emails I send out, no matter how low the salary I asked for, nobody is hiring. Most of the time, I don't even get a rejection email. At the same time, I saw pictures, tweets, and updates of my friends getting a stable income, getting married, having kids, further their studies etc. I felt so small and I felt like I had failed my life, I did everything wrong and there's nothing I can do to overcome it.
I started doubting God. I tried my best with job applications and govt exams, but none works. I feel like my life just crumbled, and suddenly I can't see anything called 'future'. I cried every night alone at home. I hide from family events. Each time I went for a job interview, I failed to give my 100% as those interviews were the only time I talked with other people rather than my parents and siblings.
And it's 28th April 2021. I lost almost 2 years of my life. I don't know when I'll overcome this period. Last night, my mama asked whether I have any plan. Whether I applied for any other job. Whether I want to go further my study. 'Kalau Kak Ngah nak sambung belajar pun tak apa, ma ayah boleh tanggung lagi'.
I feel miserable. I feel like a failure.
I can't even look into her eyes.
What should I do?
I tried my best in everything, I really did. I always tell myself to be kind to others. I push myself to step out of my comfort zone. I always promised myself to give 110% for whatever I did.
But why nothing works for me.
I can't even look straight into my parents' eyes, how can I face my friends and family members.
Being almost 26 and still financially dependant on my parents, I feel useless.
I'm supposed to be the one to support them, but I'm the burden instead.
Help.
.
.
.
.
I miss my old life. I miss my friends. I want a normal life too.
.
.
.
.
That's all I have for now. I hope the next update will be a positive one.
Me,
Syera (28/04/2021)
