Random Rant (I wrote this post on 31/12/2016 but decided to post it now when 2017 is almost over.. lol)

Assalamualaikum and Hi

Ermm.. Hi people. Actually, I'm planning to write a post tomorrow to conclude my 2016 and just recap whatever that happened this whole year esok. But then, a lil teaser wont hurt you kann.. 

So, if you only want to know about how life of syera (the law student) this year, it'll be tomorrow. 

As for now, i just want to be ira (my love life alter ego) for a while before entering 2017. 

So bear with me for a bit, okayyy??

Camne nak cakap eh.. I'm not upset, tapi lebih kepada sedar diri. Kalau perasan, I did found someone earlier this year, not going to say that we actually have something ke apa, as me myself not sure what are we actually. Thats why i kept ranting this whole year..hahahaha. Anyway, i must admit that it's not easy for me to make such decision, to open up to someone new. Seriously, i think about this over and over and over and over again just to ensure that I'll not go through what i've been through before. And after so much thoughts, with the help of God of course, i decided to give it a try as i believe it's something totally worth it. People around me said a lot about my decision. Some supported my decision, some warned me as if i did something terribly wrong. However, for once, I'm not sure why, i just want to be reckless even though i know the risk I'm going to face.

But, the problem is, I'm not sure why, but there's a line between us, but we're not sure what's the line. It's vague. And that caused so much problems to me. I'm not sure who i am, I'm not sure how far i can know or ask or care. It's difficult. I'm not sure whether I'm allowed to be jealous or not, am i allowed to be mad or sad or happy or not. And worst of all, I'm not sure if you're in all these too or I'm the only one. Maybe we're not on the same page. I might say 'us', but for u, it's still a 'you and me'. I know my tendency to be overly attached, and i did it once before, and you just left. It hurts a lot u know when you're trying your best to stay, but u're the only one who wanted to do so. So, at that time, I back out. Ashamed. Embarrassed.

However, I'm not sure how, naturally we end up contacting each other back, which in my point of view, the second chance. Mula-mula okay, but makin lama, i finally noticed whats going on. These symptoms happened to me with that guy before. Urmm, i can say that we're drifted apart.. hahhaah.. 

I end up getting blueticks, my questions left unanswered, my jokes and daily conversations tergantung.. u can say i'm being childish or over or whatever, but honestly, malu, segan semua ada.

 I tried my best to make this thing happen despite getting so much hate by others, but fighting alone is not my thing anymore. I used to, but i don't think i can do it again.

I used to fight alone for so long even though i know that relay supposed to end already since 3 years ago, but i brainwashed myself to believe that everything will be okay somehow. The thought of people leaving my life is horrifying. Haunted me for so long. I used to accept everything, forgive everything, tolerate a lot just to ensure he didn't leave my side. 

'I'm okay with anything, I'm not mad at you, as long as you're in my life'

That used to be my everyday chant. Just like right now, every single day, i wish that you're the one.

'If he's not the right one, let me know earlier so that I'll not get that into him. If he's the one, I leave everything to YOU. I know you're the best planner. Please please please make him stay. I'll be a good girl. I promise '.

Do you know how hard i try to bribe GOD.... hahahaha.. but seriously, looking at what we are now, I'm not sure whether i still want to fight for it or not. I'm not giving up, i just want to leave it alone. Insyallah, ada setahun lebih je lagi. Just like our first contract/agreement/memorandum, kalau ada, ada la kan. Till then, we'll be great friends k.

seriously, I'm not mad at u or give up ke apa, i just hate the fact that i'm assuming things on my own, not knowing who i am actually. That's all. Someone who used to say that he loves me, end up saying that I'm not worth it. I'm just scared. Tu je. But hey, I'm still your fan girl.. hahahaha.. tengok dari jauh. lol sedih sangat.. Ermm, tu je kot. Goodluck tho. With everything.

XOXO,

Ira

P/s: I have few alter egos. Syera is the normal law student or your normal friend or introvert, super mysterious batchmate. Kak Ngah is that independent daughter (sometimes like a son). Hira or Heera is the mooter or the Malaysian friend for my friends from other countries. Irah is the super senyap cousin or niece. And last but not least, Ira, the one who always have love life problems.

Update (August 2017): So, I wrote this post on the last day of 2016, but not sure why i end up saving it in the draft box and not post it on the blog. Anyway, here's the update. Well, I did fight for it for quite some time, but then I gave up knowing that there's no hope for it to work. And yeah, that person found a better one, and Syera still Syera. And he's not the only one who walked away. But life goes on. Currently, someone did approach me with unexpected way. Too early to say anything about it, but personally i don't think it will work because we're wayyy different. Family background, race, religion, language, appearance. But the fact that someone respects my religion, it is quite amusing. Hahahaha, rasa macam nak dedicate one post just for this thing because it's a very unique story and experience. Jap, I'm not playgirl ke apa. I'm not pretty to be that kind of girl. Things just happened hahaha. Ok la. Tu je kot for the update 

Random Rant (05/12/16)

Assalamualaikum and hi

So, i'm pretty much lifeless (kott.. maybe...) with all these assignments yang tah bila nak habis, plus those extra works as *ehem* the Exco Moot and Bahas (seriously, my sincere advice, don't be one..) yang nonstop since monthsss ago.

Anyway, despite busy dengan assignments, presentations, extra works and etc., banyak lagi masalah yang timbul.. therefore, here i am, 5 mins break from doing SOGA report yang sepatutnya dihantar an hour ago, writing some random rant. Why? Cause i need to, kalau tak, tak lena tido... cewaaahhhhh.. hahahah.

First, do u know how frustrating it is when u really really thought that maybe, just maybe, this is it, this is the one, and as a normal, sane girl like others ( i'm normal enough kot), i really do hope i can have a decent one now, but u end up frustrated as someone else said you need to forget about it. Like seriously, why on earth i cannot make my own decision, believe whatever i believe in right now. I know the fact that i believe that maybe somehow, miraculously it works (God pls..) is a risky one, but please, for just once, i really do want to believe this, even though you're stressing on how risky it is. For once, i just want to be reckless, do whatever i want, believe in whatever i want to, pray for anything that i wish for, and i might end up getting hurt (simpang malaikat la this one).

Yang penting, yes, i'm hurt bila for once, i'm getting happier ( a bit la kot, tak de la meriah sangat happynya), but somehow ada yang kata don't. Please, I'm not asking or wishing something like yours, nor like others that u guys look up for, and maybe i'm not deserve pun for any (ermm, maybe thats why korang camni), but anyway, i just want a decent one. Macam a bestfriend, yang extra best-best-bestfriend.

Second, exactlyyyyyy... This feeling is killing me. This vague, not-sure-who-made-it, not-sure-what-it-is line is killing me. Maybe it's the distance-for-a-while line, then my question would be until when?. Or maybe it's the nope-you're-just-friend line, then urmmm just friends it is. Or maybe it's the i-maybe-like-you-but-i'm-not-sure-about-it-yet line, then what am i supposed to do now. Orrrrr is it the I-know-there's-something-going-on-but-pretend-we-understand-about-it line?? 

The biggest question, who the hell that set this line?? and your line and my line, is it the same line? or totally different lines? Haaaaa, complicated ennn, just think about it. But why? Because this damn line we're talking about making me confuse on how much and how deep i can ask or talk on something, am i allowed to be jealous, mad, sad and whatever feelings it is (yo, admit it, i'm not the only one having this confusion kan? Ke memang I'm the only one having all these??) 

Whoever did this research kena tarik balik dia punya phd ke, master ke, degree ke, whatever yang dia ada. Menipu wei...

Anyway, despite all these confusions, must admit that somehow i'm happy to have all these feelings back after almost a year of being feeling-less (takda la takde perasaan langsung, but not that extreme feeling). Those feelings yang i thought i'll never feel it again, but now, walaupun i'm not in a relay macam dulu, but the fact that i'm able to feel it, i'm happy. Just a prove that i'm a human (normal one!) again. First, I'm jealous. Tbh, i really do know there's no such attachment, I'm not overly attached like before. But, must admit i do feel jealous sometimes (at least i pretend not to...). But worry not, even in friendship pun benda ni happen kannn... so yeah. Macam tibahjah seronok ada rasa jealous. And second, the fact that I'm longing and waiting. Lol, ni macam kelakar sikit. those feelings macam 'wei bila kau nak reply ni' or 'sebenarnya dia nak reply ke tak' or 'apsal dia tak reply, aku salah cakap ke' or 'maybe dia akan reply esok, maybe...' hahahahaha. Tapi macam seronok gak la bila that feeling ada balik (macamm, eh, aku manusia balik rupanya...) hahahaha. But seriously, no burden, just the fact that i'm able to feel all these again, proved that I'm fully move on. And I'm satisfied with that.

Ok last one. insecuritiessss.... lol, common rant. Macam biasa, i hate pretty girls. lol statement. But seriously, from the bottom of my heart, some pretty people always end up being one of the reasons my heart being crushed (hancur berkecai retak seribu...). When you know you're not pretty (at all), u try hard to be at least a little bit, like tiny bit pretty (but failed), and those pretty people always win. In whatever situation. Bukan la anti orang cantik ke apa. Ramai je yang iolls kenal baik2 je. But must admit, at some point, I'm frustrated with the world sebab tak adil (gitteeewwww). Diorang ni dah la cantik, lemah lembut, orang smua suka. Yang syera ni, dah la tak lawa, tak pandai, ganas pulak tu (ok sedih bash diri sendiri). tapi serious, aku jeles. Orang macam korang senang disukai. I used to be left because of pretty girls (yeee, lebih dari seorang girls tu) and i really hope the same thing will not happen again. I know to achieve that prettiness is impossible, sebab tu aku percaya, dah tau rupa tak lawa, at least akhlak tu cantikkan. Don't give me sugar-coated words kata syera lawa ke apa, mnipu smua tu. I know the fact that I'm not. Mcm mana saya tau? Obviously i tengok cermin, plus ramai je dah kata depan2 yang syera tak lawa, hahahaha. Dah biasa dah. Anyway, I'm insecure, every single day, i'm scared. I really am. But prinsip pasrah itu sentiasa diamalkan... hahahaha

So, in conclusion, just nak bagitau yang life student law ni, sesibuk mana pun, sempat jahh fikir pasal hati sat. Hahahaha. As long as idak kaco gheje kome, idak ganggu haghi kome, maka teruskan la. Idak ada sapa menghalang. Cuma, bio bepada. Ingat sesikit takpe, yang lebih serah je le kat Tuhan. Keje kome apa? Doa je le.. Teman idak la gatei beno ke, ghebe ke apa.. Cume bila kadang-kadang tu penat study, layan le kejap perasaan wanita ni kannn... ituje. Kalo kome rasa tak betul, tak payah ngikot. Teman hidup cara teman, kome hidup cara kome. mudah ye dak. Teman idak le kabor hidup teman ni elok ke benda.. idakkk,, teman tau hidup teman idak elok nye hahh,...itu jeee..

Sekiannn...

Yang penat blaja tapi masih nak tulis rant dia,

Syera

P/s: sesapa yang baca, pls, i'm not that kind of person yang sibuk sangat soal hati sampai tak belaja ke, keja tak jalan ke apa. Dia berjalan seiring (gitteeewwww...hahahaha) yang penting, I'm truly happy with my life right now as I know I'm too busy to have a commitment (but i still want one..hahaha) but still almost every day I'll find a way to have a small talk or conversations with my mom, or my girl or my (him) as they always somehow make me smile (even tak tau diorang nak kata apa, but nampak their name on my phone pun I'm happy enough) and giggle of course! So, moga Tuhan berkati kalian, penyeri hidup seorang syahirah yang hectic ^^