Assalamualaikum and hi
So, i'm pretty much lifeless (kott.. maybe...) with all these assignments yang tah bila nak habis, plus those extra works as *ehem* the Exco Moot and Bahas (seriously, my sincere advice, don't be one..) yang nonstop since monthsss ago.
Anyway, despite busy dengan assignments, presentations, extra works and etc., banyak lagi masalah yang timbul.. therefore, here i am, 5 mins break from doing SOGA report yang sepatutnya dihantar an hour ago, writing some random rant. Why? Cause i need to, kalau tak, tak lena tido... cewaaahhhhh.. hahahah.
First, do u know how frustrating it is when u really really thought that maybe, just maybe, this is it, this is the one, and as a normal, sane girl like others ( i'm normal enough kot), i really do hope i can have a decent one now, but u end up frustrated as someone else said you need to forget about it. Like seriously, why on earth i cannot make my own decision, believe whatever i believe in right now. I know the fact that i believe that maybe somehow, miraculously it works (God pls..) is a risky one, but please, for just once, i really do want to believe this, even though you're stressing on how risky it is. For once, i just want to be reckless, do whatever i want, believe in whatever i want to, pray for anything that i wish for, and i might end up getting hurt (simpang malaikat la this one).
Yang penting, yes, i'm hurt bila for once, i'm getting happier ( a bit la kot, tak de la meriah sangat happynya), but somehow ada yang kata don't. Please, I'm not asking or wishing something like yours, nor like others that u guys look up for, and maybe i'm not deserve pun for any (ermm, maybe thats why korang camni), but anyway, i just want a decent one. Macam a bestfriend, yang extra best-best-bestfriend.
Second, exactlyyyyyy... This feeling is killing me. This vague, not-sure-who-made-it, not-sure-what-it-is line is killing me. Maybe it's the distance-for-a-while line, then my question would be until when?. Or maybe it's the nope-you're-just-friend line, then urmmm just friends it is. Or maybe it's the i-maybe-like-you-but-i'm-not-sure-about-it-yet line, then what am i supposed to do now. Orrrrr is it the I-know-there's-something-going-on-but-pretend-we-understand-about-it line??
The biggest question, who the hell that set this line?? and your line and my line, is it the same line? or totally different lines? Haaaaa, complicated ennn, just think about it. But why? Because this damn line we're talking about making me confuse on how much and how deep i can ask or talk on something, am i allowed to be jealous, mad, sad and whatever feelings it is (yo, admit it, i'm not the only one having this confusion kan? Ke memang I'm the only one having all these??)
Whoever did this research kena tarik balik dia punya phd ke, master ke, degree ke, whatever yang dia ada. Menipu wei...
Anyway, despite all these confusions, must admit that somehow i'm happy to have all these feelings back after almost a year of being feeling-less (takda la takde perasaan langsung, but not that extreme feeling). Those feelings yang i thought i'll never feel it again, but now, walaupun i'm not in a relay macam dulu, but the fact that i'm able to feel it, i'm happy. Just a prove that i'm a human (normal one!) again. First, I'm jealous. Tbh, i really do know there's no such attachment, I'm not overly attached like before. But, must admit i do feel jealous sometimes (at least i pretend not to...). But worry not, even in friendship pun benda ni happen kannn... so yeah. Macam tibahjah seronok ada rasa jealous. And second, the fact that I'm longing and waiting. Lol, ni macam kelakar sikit. those feelings macam 'wei bila kau nak reply ni' or 'sebenarnya dia nak reply ke tak' or 'apsal dia tak reply, aku salah cakap ke' or 'maybe dia akan reply esok, maybe...' hahahahaha. Tapi macam seronok gak la bila that feeling ada balik (macamm, eh, aku manusia balik rupanya...) hahahaha. But seriously, no burden, just the fact that i'm able to feel all these again, proved that I'm fully move on. And I'm satisfied with that.
Ok last one. insecuritiessss.... lol, common rant. Macam biasa, i hate pretty girls. lol statement. But seriously, from the bottom of my heart, some pretty people always end up being one of the reasons my heart being crushed (hancur berkecai retak seribu...). When you know you're not pretty (at all), u try hard to be at least a little bit, like tiny bit pretty (but failed), and those pretty people always win. In whatever situation. Bukan la anti orang cantik ke apa. Ramai je yang iolls kenal baik2 je. But must admit, at some point, I'm frustrated with the world sebab tak adil (gitteeewwww). Diorang ni dah la cantik, lemah lembut, orang smua suka. Yang syera ni, dah la tak lawa, tak pandai, ganas pulak tu (ok sedih bash diri sendiri). tapi serious, aku jeles. Orang macam korang senang disukai. I used to be left because of pretty girls (yeee, lebih dari seorang girls tu) and i really hope the same thing will not happen again. I know to achieve that prettiness is impossible, sebab tu aku percaya, dah tau rupa tak lawa, at least akhlak tu cantikkan. Don't give me sugar-coated words kata syera lawa ke apa, mnipu smua tu. I know the fact that I'm not. Mcm mana saya tau? Obviously i tengok cermin, plus ramai je dah kata depan2 yang syera tak lawa, hahahaha. Dah biasa dah. Anyway, I'm insecure, every single day, i'm scared. I really am. But prinsip pasrah itu sentiasa diamalkan... hahahaha
So, in conclusion, just nak bagitau yang life student law ni, sesibuk mana pun, sempat jahh fikir pasal hati sat. Hahahaha. As long as idak kaco gheje kome, idak ganggu haghi kome, maka teruskan la. Idak ada sapa menghalang. Cuma, bio bepada. Ingat sesikit takpe, yang lebih serah je le kat Tuhan. Keje kome apa? Doa je le.. Teman idak la gatei beno ke, ghebe ke apa.. Cume bila kadang-kadang tu penat study, layan le kejap perasaan wanita ni kannn... ituje. Kalo kome rasa tak betul, tak payah ngikot. Teman hidup cara teman, kome hidup cara kome. mudah ye dak. Teman idak le kabor hidup teman ni elok ke benda.. idakkk,, teman tau hidup teman idak elok nye hahh,...itu jeee..
Sekiannn...
Yang penat blaja tapi masih nak tulis rant dia,
Syera
P/s: sesapa yang baca, pls, i'm not that kind of person yang sibuk sangat soal hati sampai tak belaja ke, keja tak jalan ke apa. Dia berjalan seiring (gitteeewwww...hahahaha) yang penting, I'm truly happy with my life right now as I know I'm too busy to have a commitment (but i still want one..hahaha) but still almost every day I'll find a way to have a small talk or conversations with my mom, or my girl or my (him) as they always somehow make me smile (even tak tau diorang nak kata apa, but nampak their name on my phone pun I'm happy enough) and giggle of course! So, moga Tuhan berkati kalian, penyeri hidup seorang syahirah yang hectic ^^
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