My Last Letter For You

Dear you from back then,

This is my last letter to you. The last time I met you was more or less 3 years ago. And for the past 3 years, I've been hating, missing, mad and cursed at you a lot. I really did. The first few months, I was in denial. I'm not sure how everything ends up that way. I'm so confused. Then, the next few months I started to hate you and cursed you a lot. The past few months, I must admit, somehow I missed you. It's not easy when you thought you've moved on, but end up having flashbacks of our memories. 

Once in a while, when things were too bad and too much for me to handle, I end up texted you and regretted my action the very next minute. I know, to text you again by itself is a wrong action, and texting you while knowing that you're someone's someone is even worse. That's why I end up deleting all those conversations. I'm sorry. 

As an introvert, I'm not that good at opening up to people. It just happened that you're the one who successfully makes me feel comfortable and I end up letting you enter my bubble. And for almost 3 years, I have relied on you maybe for too much. It's too burdensome for you I guess. So you left. I was lost. I don't know where to go, whom to talk to, which number to dial, who to text with, who should I ask questions, who can help me to make decisions,  who can I laugh with.. I kept everything to myself and it was unbearable. 

After our break up, it took me months or even years to move on. I can still remember how hard it was when I decided to throw away our pictures, to delete our conversation, to delete our songs, to learn to not use your perfume. It was so hard. When I completely forgot about you, you somehow appeared again. I saw your pictures on other people's Instagram, I walked passed someone who used the same perfume as yours and I heard songs from our days.  To make it even weirder, at one point, I realized that I've forgotten how you look like, but you appeared in my dreams multiple times. I have no idea why.

At this point, you must be wondering why this is the last letter? 

We became 'we' right after high school. That's when I made most of the important decisions in my life. I can't deny the fact that your existence, your words, and your presence influenced my decisions in one way or another. I decided to pursue Foundation in Law without any plan to pursue a degree in the same field. I graduated with a bachelor of law and in less than 10 days, I will be called to the Bar as an advocate & solicitor. As my long journey in life that has your influence in it will end soon, I do believe this last letter is needed. 

When I did my Foundation, you're there. When I stepped into my degree years, you were there too, but you decided to leave not long after that. My imagination and wish of having you during my graduation crumbled. And now that I'm going to be called to the Bar, I have no idea where you are. 

Anyway, as I'm at this point in my life, I knew and I'm sure that you're my past, and I'm okay with it.

So, dear you,

I'm pretty much sure you'll not see this post, but in case, a few years from now, you somehow remember about my existence and decided to check this blog again, I just want you to know few things.

First, thank you. Thank you for being part of my life. Thank you for creating good memories with me. Thank you for giving me lessons that I'll never be able to learn from others.  Thank you for being my first in a lot of things. Thank you for your time, for your effort, and for your presence. You were there when I need you the most. You were there as my friend, as my loved one, as my so-much-more. 

Second, sorry. I'm so sorry for not being a great partner. I was young back then. Clueless most of the time. But you guide and protect me well. I have been inconsiderate and short-tempered sometimes, but you stayed by my side and tried your best to understand my decisions. Sorry for not being there when you need me. You must have thought of leaving a lot of times but me, being inconsiderate and oblivious, I asked you to stay when you just want to leave. Sorry for being clueless again when you left. 

Third, Goodluck. I got to know you first as this one sweet young man. At one point you changed a lot that sometimes, I barely able to recognize you. But I know you became a great young man when you left. And I do believe you'll be a better person in the future. Whatever you're pursuing or planning to do in the future, I wish you all the best wishes. Goodluck. You'll do just fine.

Last but not least, thank you so much for everything. I'm okay now. I'll be just fine. You used to say that I'll be just fine because you'll always be there for me, but I can proudly say now that I'll be just fine on my own. Ira kan kuat.. Ira abang kuat. Ira dah graduate. Ira akan longcall soon. Ira achieved all that. Thanks to you, I learned to be stronger. Abang, thank you. 

Thank you for being there before. I'll be okay on my own from now on.

Thank you for being my abang.

This is my last letter.

Take care.

XOXO,

Ira.

Degree Law UKM Part 6 (final)

Hi peeps..

Can’t believe I finally wrote something again on this blog. Like finallyyyyy.. Lol. The last time I wrote here was on November 2017. And finally write something again on January 2019. Procrastinating at its best ^^

Honestly, I did plan on deleting this blog a few months ago. Why? One of the main reason is that I want to start everything back, a more mature content and somehow I really want to just delete everything, but at the same time, I feel bad on the thought of deleting all these “memories” even though most of my posts were on my sad-love-life or my almost-die-study experience.

Anywayyy, here I am updating the blog about my life, longggg after I’m done with my study, yes people, I’ve graduated. I’m legit a law graduate now. And, currently a pupil at a law firm which I never thought I’ll end up here.

I’m currently in my 4^th month of pupillage, not sure how I’m able to survive these 4 months, but I did. and I’m not sure what I want to do next, should I stay in this kind of life, honestly, no. But the fact that I’m already 23 (24 in few months.. yes, I'm that old now) but still depends on my parents financially doesn’t make me feel that well. It depends on money, happiness or passion. If I’m up for money, then this kind of life is the answer to it. If I’m up for happiness, AirAsia or Mavcom surely is the answer. But if I’m going for the passion, then LLM or Master is the way to go. 

Plus, the fact that I’m not sure what I really want to do in the future, I need some more time to figure it out. The fact that I’m trying to further my study without any fund, which means I don’t have my own saving, and I surely not in a position to ask for my parents’, so the only way is to find a fully funded scholarship. Like everything. Flight, tuition fee, monthly stipend, everything. And the only answer for it that suits my qualification is these two particular scholarships. One will start accepting the application on February while another one’s due date is on the last day of January, and here I am, started preparing since November. Will update on this whole scholarship and whatnot story later (God knows when).

For this post, I’ll update about life during final sem of the final year of law school, the looking-for-pupillage-placement phase and the graduation phase. The first 4 months of pupillage phase and the search-for-scholarships phase will be done later (crossed all ten fingers) lol.

So, first thing first, hows my final semester of law school? To be very honest, I don’t remember much about it… hahaha, what do you expect, I can’t even remember what happened last week. Anyway, on a more serious note, I will always remember how hard it was. Rushing on due dates, assignments, tasks, tests, and whatnot. Some subjects and classes were a bit more relaxed while others were terribly tough. It is hard when you’re the firm leader, but you know nothing most of the time. I did try my best to make it fair and square, but of course, there’ll always be dramas and conflicts in any firms. 

So yeah, but in the end, we completed our tasks as a firm without much problem and pretty much peacefully. We even went for our first and last dinner as a firm, which is quite nice and I’m still in contact with most of them till now. If you asked me how hard my last semester, I did cry once because of a presentation (imagine you have to repeat the same presentation 4 times..), I faced a stressful moment when our trial delayed few weeks when I have other assignments to do an exam is around the corner, and God knows what Dr. Mizan did during trial (my script was snatched from my hand.. asked hard questions and whatnot…Dr Mizan anyway). But, I must say that at one point, you will realize that everything went very very very fast. Out of nowhere, it’s the end of law school. 

And owh, we had a crisis with one of our lecturer.. hahaha.

Anyway, once all these done, there were two things stuck in my mind. First, where and when I should apply for my pupillage. It was one of the hardest moment ever. I did start doing my research and prepared my documents a few months before law school ended. But with average results and average achievement, I’m not confident at all with my cv to apply for pupillage placement. Only God knows how many firms that I emailed till I received a reply from one firm. I was called for the interview. And guess what, I was offered a placement. And here I am right now, doing my pupillage in the first firm who replied my email and called me for an interview. Lucky. Again.

My last paper was in June. And I started my pupillage in September. So what did I do for the 2 months in the gap? I did something pretty much randomly. Here’s the story. 

Few weeks before my final semester’s exam, Prof. Faridah texted me, and she asked whether I’m interested to join this one moot competition for the last time. The competition is like a month after my last paper. Again, it was about IHL and ICL. International Criminal Law. That’s something new. So, I give it a thought. And here’s the best part. It will be a group of 4 mooters, two mooters per side. All of them are 2nd-year students. Kuhan, Hamsa and Izzat Amir. Yes, I’m the only final year student. And yes, I coached them for their Jean Pictet before. Lol. Andddd, it’ll be in Nuremberg, Germany. THE Nuremberg. That Nuremberg, at that Germany…. And somehow, the kids pretty much did everything about our fund to join the competition. My role? Just do my best for my side and help the kids with some of the law that they have yet learned like the public international law, a bit of IHL and a bit of evidence law. Which is a hugeeee stress for me. The fact that the relied on me a lot gave me a serious headache. But, everything went well I guess. We joined the competition (so, I need to write another post for this one I guess. A longgggggg post for this one) and yeah. 

Arrived back in Malaysia in August. Have a few weeks to find a new house and pupillage started the 3^rd of September. Quite rush that time. 

Sometime in November, I officially graduated. One of the best moment of my life. Really really love to see how excited my parents were. I hope they're proud of me. Will never forget the feelings when I chocked when we're asked to do bow to our parents direction during the graduation ceremony. And that's my first robe. Hopefully another one soon. That's all for now I guess. Somehow I summarized everything that happened in a year into few paras. Sorry guys. I'll write more soon. I hope. 

Till then, pray hard for Syera.