Hye ^^
Ermm.. Exam dah habis. Nothing to do. A lot of free time..
Takde la free sangat pun, banyak je kerja, just not in the mood to do so.
Anyway, here I am, writing some random rant.
To be honest, these past few days, I'm not sure what's wrong with me, each thing or decision that i made, somehow make me feel sad.
And, i did think about this a lot, and now i know why.
Actually, ramaiiii sangat orang tanya, why am i like this. Kenapa seorang syera sangat misteri, sangat pelik, sangat susah nak faham, sangat susah nak dekat. Erm, dari kecik lagi, I dont like to be around so many people. Too pemalu. Tak suka jumpa new people. Tak suka bercakap when it is not necessary. Even though I'm naturally jenis banyak cakap, but somehow, I only talked to people that I'm closed with. Haaaa, kalau dah rapat, u'll know how a chatterbox I am.
Thats why, seorang syera ni tak banyak kawan. Dari tadika, sampai sekolah rendah, sampaila sekolah menengah, i kept my circle very small. Max friends ada la kot 3,4 orang. Yang lain2 memang akan diabaikan. Sorry. And, at that moment, i thought i am weird. I know I'm not being choosy or disgusted with other people around, but i just dont like the idea of having so many people around me, and too many feelings to look after. So, I end up having just few friends, and being called as a snob. However, these few friends are too precious. I really really care about them, I don't care if i need to hurt myself for them, just as long as they're happy. That's who I am.
Bila masuk asasi, baru perasan how different i am compared to other people. I took months to start talking to my roommates and classmates. I really did ignored people if i don't feel like talking. Did some reading, and found out that actually, I'm an introvert. Then, everything started to make sense. That's why I'm being over-protected over my bestfriends.
Masa sekolah rendah and menengah, perangai baran sangat teruk, i did hit and fought with people around me. Ramai kena tengking, kena sepak, kena penampar, kena baing dengan kerusi, pen etc...but somehow, at one point, I realized how i hurt people around me badly, how bad people scared when they see me, I just feel bad, and decided to change myself. I learnt to hold my anger, and keep everything to myself. Unexpectedly, this habit of mine, end up hurt myself.
Even until now, I really keep my circle small. Just few bestfriends and I'm being over-protected. Seorang syera just takut kawan yang dia ada tinggal dia sorang2. The thought of it really scared me to death. One of my bestfriends really did left me before, and I crumbled. Therefore, i decided that, whatever happened, I'll just keep everything to myself, it's ok if I'm the one who'll cry, but please, i don't want my bestfriends to leave. But, bila masuk zama uni, i learnt to accept that even my bestfriends have their own bestfriends. I learnt to give them their own space and time. And as for me, I learn to live alone.
That's why, accepting new people into my life is not an easy task. I'm not sure whether you can handle my perangai or I'm not sure whether you can understand certain decisions that i make. Believe me, any of my decision, i really really think about u guys first before myself. These past few days, i just realized how selfish i am, how over-protective i can be towards my bestfriends. So, i learnt to leave them alone, let them have their space and time.
Just one thing, don't ask me to be friendly, or open up to other people. You might see me being friendlier than usual, but trust me, I'm just pretending to be so. Suka ke if awak terpaksa berlakon jadi orang lain? Maybe, seorang syera takkan pernah ada ramai kawan, and seorang syera akan terus ditakuti, but thank God, i still have my bestfriends.
Just like everyone else, I'm trying my best to be better too. Just, don't give up on me ok. Anda sangat sangat sangatlah bernilai dalam hidup seorang syera.
Sekian.... random rant seorang syera.
Someone who is missing her fbbbf,
Syera ^^
Maybe. Maybe. IA. but still, u owe me a hye.
