Hey.. Hi..
For the past few months, I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I know something is wrong with me nowadays and it's not a good thing. All of these started almost a year and a half ago. I tried to pretend that there's nothing wrong with me and trying to live my life as if nothing happened. However, the longer i suppressed everything, the harder it is for me to deal with my daily life.
I know self-diagnosis is a very very bad way to deal with whatever that happened with me right now, but it's something that I'm afraid and embarrassed to share with others. So, what actually happened?
As far as I remember, all these started during my first semester of second year. I started to lose interest in what I'm studying right now and tend to neglect everything. Yes, everything affected. I don't want to go to class, I don't like to do my assignment and I didnt study at all. If you know me during my highschool or asasi year, you know I'm not this kind of person. I really really like to study and when all of a sudden I hate to do the thing i love most, i feel like I'm lost somehow. Then my sleeping pattern changed. My eating pattern changed. It's hard.
Things get even worse during second semester of my 2nd year. That was the moment where I struggled most. That was the moment where i started to realize that there's something wrong with me and I want to settle this problem, but it's too hard and i don't think i can fight that battle alone. Everything went wrong. I feel so lonely. I can't share about it with my family or my friends. Basically, I'm all alone. Second year was the year that I didnt attend most of my class. And what makes it hurts more is that i feel bad about it.
Entering 3rd year, all these problem still going on. But i tend to pretend that nothing is wrong. I suppressed everything. Anger, annoyance, sad, loneliness, everything. I have to be tough somehow as thats how I am since forever. But things get worse. So many problems happened. Friendship, love life, environment, everything. At one point, I'm so so tired with everything that i tend to self-destruct. I sleep most of the time, yes, i forced myself to sleep as when I sleep, i dont have to face all these problems. I eat to relieve my stress, but then the weight gain itself add up to my stress. I prefer to be alone, no friends, no family. Just me in my room, alone, no light, in my bed, forced myself to sleep.
Second semester of 3rd year, I'm still struggling with the same problem, but this time, i know i need to reach out for help. It's hard to tell people that something is wrong with me, mentally. And until this moment, as i'm writing this post, I'm not sure where to go to get help, but i know something is wrong with me and i need help.
So, i tried to do my own research on the symptoms of depression, hoping that I'm not having any depression actually, but all those materials that i read shows the same thing, DEPRESSION. That picture upthere is the example of those material. It says that if I experience 5 or more of the feelings, then maybe i have depression. Even other articles that i read, it's almost the same thing. If u have 5 or more of those feelings for the past 2 weeks, most probably u're having the D word. And as for me, i have 9 of the feelings continuously for the past one and a half year. I'm scared. The only thing that i don't experienced is the thoughts of death or suicide. Yang tu simpang malaikat. I still hold on to my agama. I know that doesnt solve anything.
But still, i know my health deteriorated a lot since the past few years. My ability to remember things absolutely affected, I've been getting headache for the past 16 months and starting to have chest pain or heartache occasionally these past few months. The only thing that i scared most is the fact that tonight might be my last night. who knows whether I'll get up the next morning or not.
Seriously, I'm scared.
I'm used with having many responsibilities and tasks to be completed. But nowadays, i have too much that they appeared in my dreams. I kept getting anxiety when i woke up, chest pain during sleep and etc. Seriously, i need help.
So, if you think that everyone around you is so strong and tough that u can rely on them, think about it again. If you think you have the same problem as me, please find a way to get others to help u. Even though I'm unable to get any treatment yet, but I believe that there's a way to settle this problem.
I suffer all of those. I'm not sure whether I'm having depression or not, but i wish i dont have any.
If somehow u know anyone that can help me, please let me know privately. I'm not sure where to go or who i can ask to help me.
Me,
Syera.
