Degree Law UKM: Part 4

Assalamualaikum wbt and Hi guys.. Happy August ^^

So, I heard that the UPU result just come out. First and foremost, congratulations to those that received offers from universities, I really do hope that you guys got what you've been wishing for. And if you don't get any offer pun, don't worry, it's not the end of your life and you'll not be stuck there forever. Believe me, this is only the beginning, opportunities will come later in your life. Where ever you are, give your all, do your best and God will surely give you what you deserve. So, cheer up.

Okay... so, erm, actually, I'm currently doing my internship and planning to post on something else. However, just like these past few years, around these same dates, few people keep texting me asking about my experience, tips, and whatnot doing a law degree in UKM. Therefore, here I am, trying to clarify few things.

Owh yeah, before that, to those yang received offer from Faculty of Law UKM, congratulations and welcome to FUU. We're more than glad to have you in our big fam and hope you guys will have fun and learn a lot throughout the next 4 years of LLB. Here are few of the questions that I recieved most and my answer is based on my own experience that may be different from other law students and does not reflect the journey of all law students (terpaksa buat disclaimer sebab takut kena bash.. lol)(plus, excuse my rojak language. As long as u guys got the whole idea and pics, ok dah kot): 

1. Susah tak LLB ni?

Sejujurnya memang susah. And I believe semua course in any level of tertiary education sangat la susah. Tak kesah la korang masuk diploma ke degree ke apa, it will be a harsh journey because you're doing something very new yang korang tak pernah belajar langsung. Remember when u first learn to write  ABC or hafal alif ba ta, it kindof the same journey. Just finished my third year and will start my final year this September, and for the past 3 years, I've been through so many problems, been thinking of quitting law school few times. But at the same time, throughout these 3 years, I met great people, I learned a lot of things, I've been through a lot of precious moments and these have been a memorable yet tough years. So, in conclusion, yes, LLB is damn hard but worth the struggle.

2. Banyak tak kos sepanjang LLB lagi2 kalau baru masuk first year?

Ok, for this one, maybe berbeza setiap orang, but what I'm going to share here is based on for my case. My parents are teachers, so basically I'm not from a loaded family, just from a decent one. I don't receive any scholarship, yayasan negeri or ptptn. Everything from MaPa. Yes, my parents paid everything, every month, every semester, every year. And yes, it cost agak banyak, but i must say depend dekat diri sendiri jugak. 

a) As for accommodation, almost semua students stay kolej, jarang2 ada yang duduk rumah sewa, lagi2 first year, rasa nya memang semua duduk kolej. Harga kolej I'm not sure sangat sebab berubah every year, and depends korang duduk bilik sorang or dua orang. but safe to say bawah 1k satu sem.

b) As for makanan, kalau dalam ukm, for me harga standard. Tak mahal sangat and ada je makanan harga student. Nasi 4 ringgit pun ada. Kalau pandai jimat, sehari makan dalam 10-15 pun lepas. Tapi kalau rajin makan luar ukm, biasa la, harga pun extra sikit, ikut kemampuan korang. As for me, waktu first year I banyak belanja dekat makanan sebab macam taktau bajet lagi. But bila naik second year camtu, dah pandai sikit buat bajet, kurang sikit jalan luar and dah tau kedai mana yang harga murah sikit.

c) As for books, yes, paling banyak belanja dekat sini. Buku law memang diakui agak mahal. And lagi susah bila during the first week, every lecture class, lecturer akan bagi sort of calendar semester for that particular subject yang akan list out what topic korang akan belajar each week, bila test, berapa assignment and list of reference books. Ok, untuk pengetahuan korang, no need to buy everything. Sebab dalam list tu maybe ada satu or dua buku je yang betul2 jadi rujukan dalam kelas. Yang lain tu guna dalam satu chapter yang ada few pages je or tak pun macam supplementary untu that subject. So yang lain tu korang boleh cari dekat library.

So this is my tips. First, ask your seniors which book yang betul2 banyak guna and penting. Nak tanya dekat siapa? Korang boleh tanya dekat law student society (or known as PERUNDANG) during orientation week, or cari account PERUNDANG on twitter or facebook or instagram. They'll surely help u guys. 

Second, then ikut kemampuan, if mampu, then beli original, if not you can borrow from the library (our library has almost all the books listed, cuma ikut nasib berebut, so better if the first or second week tu terus pegi library and pinjam) and (ok this one tak digalakkan, but if u really need to..) pegi fotostat dekat kedai. Dekat mana boleh fotostat, kalau stay dekat kolej za'ba, then boleh hantar dekat kedai komputer zaba, servis okay, harga not bad. Or korang boleh pegi KUO (kolej ungku omar) and kedai komputer dia ada all those books. Just bagitau diorang title buku tu and they'll print the books for you and harga pun okay jugak. If korang ada budget untuk beli yang ori, ada few kedai yang i often go to buy law books:

 - Pustaka Mukmin, Putrajaya: Kedai ni ada banyak buku law compared to other shops. Harga agak murah, kadang2 diorang bagi discount. and all akta usually up to date and reference book banyak pilihan whether in English or BM.

- Kinokuniya, KLCC: Buku agak mahal, but usually buku yang takde dekat Pustaka Mukmin or latest edition of any books yang not from Malaysia akan ada dekat Kinokuniya. Tapi kadang2 u need to check whether diorang ada that book or u need to order first. So, untuk selamat, just give them a call first.

- Any MPH, Popular or Borders: For these stores, kebanyakan buku law memang takde, kalau ada pun few je. Cuma kalau nak cari Akta boleh la dekat kedai2 ni. Kalau terdesak, boleh pegi Bangi Gateaway. Ada MPH ke Popular tah dekat situ.

Third, if korang betul2 tak mampu (i know some of u have financial problem or really2 perlu berjimat), you can borrow your seniors' books (if you're lucky enough, maybe diorang bagi ambik terus for free or pay them less than the market price). So, the question is, macam mana nak mintak buku dekat senior bila korang baru je masuk and tak kenal anyone. 

- PERUNDANG: Just like what i said earlier, korang boleh tanya Perundang via twitter, instagram or facebook. Before daftar pun dah boleh contact diorang and ask anything.

- Sistem buddies: This sort of system or program baru lagi diorang start last year. So, once korang dah daftar and ada orientasi dekat fakulti, perundang akan handle the whole thing, they'll ask u if u need a buddy ke tak, sort of like abang or kakak angkat. Most of them will be the 2nd year students. Macam Chinese students or Indian students, usually diorang dah ada dah their own buddy system. So especially for the Bumis, i would highly encourage u guys untuk ada buddy so that korang boleh tanya anything and diorang akan bagi pinjam buku. Again, if you are lucky enough to get a good senior, diorang mungkin akan bagi je buku tu or might even belanja makan or anything.

- Random senior: Ok, this one I tak janji akan berjaya, but u can try. This is my idea. Korang boleh cari any law student ukm dekat twitter or instagram or facebook and DM or PM them. Sebolehnya from the same gender and sex (untuk elak masalah di kemudian hari. Tapi mana tau kot2 jumpa jodoh, kan rezeki tu... hahahaha) and just casually ask them anything. Seriously, they'll be glad to help u. Kalau tak pun, time korang dekat fac, ringan2 kan lah mulut untuk tegur anyone dekat area faculty tu. FUU UKM kecik je, so memang semua yang ada dekat situ student law je, takda maknanya nak tertegur student course lain. One thing, memang nampak student FUU ni muka kadang2 macam scary je, kalau tengok pun ala2 jeling je, don't worry, diorang okay je. Memang ramai student law dilahirkan dengan muka sedia ada garang or takpun yang jeling2 tu sebenarnya rabun, banyak sangat baca kes waktu malam, so rabun melampau.

- Join programs or clubs: As for this one, amat amat digalakkan. Kalau boleh during minggu orientasi lagi. Rajin2 kan la mulut untuk tegur abang2 or akak2 faci tu, mana tau kot2 satu faculty. Tak pun, join program dekat faculty, kadang2 korang kena pegi dengar talk je, but then selain dapat ilmu tu, boleh jugak kenal2 senior. Kalau nak lagi bagus, jadi ajk, yang ni confirm korang boleh kenal senior lagi2 Perundang. For club korang boleh try ALSA or UN, memang korang akan kenal ramai senior. Takpun join kelab luar or competition. In my case, masuk je orientasi, i join team debat Zaba untuk pertandingan debat antara kolej between first year students. So, from here, kenal ramai senior FUU sebab macam biasa la, budak law dengan debat berpisah tiada. So masuk je debat ni, terus kenal senior second year, third year and final year. And diorang sumpah baik gila. Diorang jawab any soalan korang tanya, tumpang kan kereta, kadang2 belanja makan, kalau baik lagi bagi tips pasal exam dengan assignments. And bila join debat ni, korang automatik akan dapat kawan2 dari fakulti lain, so tak la asyik dengan budak law je, and for budak debat ukm, kitorang semua rapat sampai final year dah macam family. It works the same way if you join the debate team or gamelan or menari or whatever. Or maybe korang boleh try moot competitions too.

d) As for transportation, don't worry, memang ada bus free dalam ukm tu. Cuma make sure korang tau route bus2 tu sebab lain number bas lain route dia and memang tak banyak bas ke FUU sebab memang dekat ceruk ukm. tapi kekerapan bus tu dijamin. So make sure tau bas mana korang kena naik dengan pukul berapa ada bus. Benda ni akan di brief oleh seniors time orientasi. Kalau diorang tak bgtau, pandai2 la korang tanya. Kalau naik second sem or second year korang nak bawak kereta or moto, bawak je la tapi parking ikut kolej, ada kolej banyak parking ada kolej limited. ada kolej kena bayar monthly or per sem untuk parking, ada kolej yang free je. kalau parking dekat fuu, don't worry, tempat parking banyak. Duit minyak ikut harga minyak semasa and ikut kekerapan korang merayau keluar UKM. As for me yang bawak myvi and x selalu sangat keluar, paling jauh pun takat ioi mall putrajaya je, full tank myvi (dalam rm70) kadang2 boleh guna sampai 2 minggu. As first year, maybe i galakkan belajar naik bus dulu. Ramai je senior2 FUU tu rajin tumpangkan junior ke kolej berdekatan. So yeah, transportation tak susah. Kalau nak isi minyak, petronas and shell memang banyak and dekat2. 

I think thats all kot pasal kos perbelanjaan sebab tak banyak benda pun. Tak de uniform ke apa. U might need to prepare blue baju kurung for orientasi and of course kalau boleh ada la baju kurung hitam putih or black and white attire sebab kadang2 diperlukan for certain class or during presentation. Usually pegi kelas boleh pakai casual, but of course kasut bertutup, baju berkolar and yang perempuan tu, berpada-pada la, jangan seksi sangat. If korang ada financial problem, maybe akan dapat bantuan fac or uni. Or korang boleh bagi tau any senior or lecturer yang korang selesa untuk tau any bantuan sebab biasanya faculty or ukm memang mencari student yang perlukan bantuan kewangan, tapi student yang segan nak bagitau. So yeah, if u need any help, u can ask your seniors or lecturers.

3. Banyak tak masa nak keluar jalan-jalan or lepak-lepak?

Yes dik, memang banyak masa nak lepak keluar, lagi2 time first year. Ramai je yang berjalan tak ingat dunia, tengok midnight movie ke atau acah2 backpacking dengan kawan. Ni terpulang dekat korang, ikut kemampuan, berpijak di bumi yang nyata. Of course perlu have fun time muda remaja ni, cuma jangan over sangat, nanti menyesal kemudian. Yang perempuan tu, shopping berpada-pada. Lagi2 yang dapat duit PTPTN ke scholarship ke MaPa ke. Kalau boleh kena ada simpanan sikit, papehal jadi korang dah ada duit.

4. English saya teruk, boleh survive tak?

Okay, this one is a serious issue. Jawapan dia, yes korang boleh survive. But no, korang tak boleh biar je English korang that teruk. Try to improve your English. Berkawan dengan orang yang pandai English or seriously kena bkawan dengan non malays. Jangan asyik dengan orang yang sama je. And be open, this is not the time to be like 'ehh, acah je budak ni nak speaking2 bagai, benda sesama melayu'. Haaaaa, kalau korang camni, memang wassalam la. Exam kena dwi bahasa, belajar dwi bahasa, assignment depends dekat lecturer, kadang2 ada yang in English, kadang2 in BM. Presentation pun kadang2 english, kadang2 BM. My english still bad, korang pun boleh nampak sendiri, but I sendiri dalam proses improving my English. Kau start intern, tau la tkejut dia macam mana bila u need to speak in English all the time. Even with your sama race colleague. And i sangat menggalakkan korang join debat, debate or mooting to improve both your language skill dengan soft skill. Sangat membantu.

5. Agak2 boleh jumpa jodoh tak dekat Faculty?

Hahahaha... ok ni soalan paling kerap diterima. My answer is, hanya Tuhan yang tahu. hahahaha.. Seriously, it's not something impossible. Banyak je kes jumpa jodoh dekat faculty ni. But please jangan jadi kan misi korang untuk masuk FUU nak cari jodoh. Focus on your study, the love will come eventually. Akak pun tak tau jodoh akak sesat pi mana tah, tak muncul lagi.

6. Saya tak pandai bersiap, selekeh, taktau ikat tie, taktau makeup, camne tu?

Akak pun sama dik. Don't worry, survive je. Buat taktau je dik, kalau betul jodoh awak dekat fac tu, muka selekeh tengah cari kes dekat library pun dia akan datang tegur jugak.

7. Macam mana nak dapat peluang pergi luar negara time degree?

Ok, yang ni pun antara soalan hot. Yang ni depends dekat usaha korang. Peluang2 ni korang kena cari, takde maknanya peluang ni nak datang bergolek ke kaki korang macam tu je. First, korang boleh join debate or mooting sebab pertandingan2 ni tak ramai yang join and most of the competitions ada international round. Mana tau rezeki kau dik, merasa pegi oversea free. Or, dekat facebook ada page ukm yang iklan kan semua program exchange student yang fully funded. Cuma, korang kena isi borang or hantar essay or pergi interview. Yes, rajinkan diri buat benda2 ni, kalau korang malas, orang lain pun malas nak taja korang. Or, if mampu, join AISEC time cuti sem break. Cari negara2 yang kos kurang sikit. Seriously, korang akan belajar banyak gila. Tak pun, try tanya lecturers if diorang tau any program dekat oversea yang fully funded macam short internship ke, attachement ke or any random competition. Contoh nya, someone asked in a whatsapp group whether anyone nak join speech competition. I volunteered to join even though takde pengalaman langsung and my english hanya tuhan je tau betapa teruk, but yet, i went to Thailand for free and met great people too. So yeah, cari peluang2 tu.

So, I think thats all kot for now. If ada apa2 soalan, feel free to contact me. I'll do another update later if teringat anything else. My advice for freshies, it will be very rough and tough few weeks, but seriously try to enjoy the moment, learn as much as possible, make new friends and be happy every single day. Believe me you're not alone. If you find it hard untuk buat kawan, just contact any senior on social media to ask for their advice or help. Owh yeah, ada yang tanya whether LLB susah sangat sampai i wrote that i have depression or what not before, the answer is yes, LLB memang susah, but the depression itself bukan sebab LLB, tapi sebab diri sendiri. Ramai je yang hidup bahagia sepanjang LLB years ni. And even if with all this depression, korang takkan mati pun, I'm still alive and survive my third year. Final year of law school is on the way. So yeah, again, congratulations kiddies and goodluck.

Owh, and before I end this post, I just want u guys to know that I'm just a normal, average law student. My parents are teachers, my brother is a teacher too, my family doesn't speak English at all, I only speak Malay language during elementary and secondary school, English is limited during English class only. We're not a well off family, no oversea trip every year. I'm not a student with 3.5 above cgpa, I don't get all As for final exam, I've never win any competitions that i joined, I'm not pretty nor smart. I'm short, and fat. I'm just a normal Syahirah. And yeah, I'm going to be a final year law student soon. God will guide you till the end, trust me on this one.

Not your best senior,

Syera

Random Rant (08062017)

Hi

After few months of not writing anything, finally today i wrote one. Even tho currently in the middle of exam week, and a looooottt of things happened. Anyway, if any of you read my posts, you must realized how i've been so negative for the past few posts a.k.a for the past few months. Seriously, third year of law school is damn hard. Like seriously. 

However, as I'm taking short break during this study for tomorrow's paper, I just realized how i used to be so carefree and adventurous. During my trip to Paris, there's this one day that hujan lebat gila and I'm not sure where I am at that moment as I randomly walk through Paris city, trying to buy an umbrella, but nowhere to be found. I decided to just walk in the rain, without knowing which direction i have to go. At that moment, of course I'm a bit worries because I am all alone there, cant speak french and with limited budget and somehow a lil bit annoyed with how i'm stucked in the rain. I'm literally wet as if i'm bathing. However, somehow, I end up went into a small shop which I'm not sure what kindof shop it is at first, i just randomly walked into a shop hoping that somehow i can find somewhere warm enough while waiting for the rain to stop. And guess what. That's the best shop i've ever entered in Paris. It's a small book shop. A warm one. With that typical book smell. Seriously, the best shop ever. And at the back of the shop, there's a lot of snow globes and music box. A very beautiful moment. Seriously. I am all alone in the shop, no other customer, but i had so much fun. Well, all those hate and annoyance just disappeared. 

Next, those moment while I'm staying in Yogyakarta. A rural area. At first, I'm struggling a bit as it is not as comfy as how i live in Malaysia. It's a typical rural area, a small village, far from city. I really hate the fact that my access to internet is veryyyyy limited. the basic necessities are limited too. However, few days after, I end up enjoying my days in that village. My only concern is how to make my students happy and enjoy my class. How much chocolate bars should i purchased so that i can ensure all of them can have it. 

And during my trip to Thailand for the speech competition. My first ever English speech competition. I'm very scared. Not used with competing with strangers at that time. I'm pretty much sure that i hate myself at that time for not being able to communicate with others using better English or whatnot. But in the end, I still enjoy my trip there and i make friends that I'm still keep in touch until today.

So, what I'm trying to say is, there's time where you think you're useless, and how u wish u can give up. But, after all, it's just a phase that you need to go through no matter what. And believe me, after everything done, those hardship end up being the most beautiful memory ever. When you think you're all alone, take a step back, and see how many people around you that keep supporting you and pray for your success.

When you ever feel that you need to give up, just imagine how many smiles that you'll get when you complete that one thing. Trust me, the you thats struggling today will be the strongest person tomorrow. and yet tomorrow you'll face another test, and guess what, you'll be a lot stronger the next day. So, in the end, it's all about fighting with yourself, it's not about you're trying to prove to others how amazing you are, but you are trying to prove yourself how strong u can be and your potential is limitless.

Thus, head up. You'll be just fine. The life might be damn hard right now, but believe me, one day, you'll see someone who is younger than you, struggling with the same problem, having the same emotion. But the only thing that you'll say is, dont worry. you'll be just fine. 

So, their syera, be strong. You're strong. And you're stronger than what you think you are. What restraining you from achieving more is yourself. Beat that weak, unmotivated soul out of from your mind, and you'll be a greater person soon after. Remember, don't compare your path with others. don't compare your flow with others. Some might be running right now, but you cant because you're taking so much time for each step you're taking. But believe me, there'll come time when others will stop, but you'll be running while holding others hand, supporting them to move forward. So, don't worry. Stay within your own flow, and u'll be just fine. 

Take care syera. And goodluck.

Stay humble.

Me,

Syera

Am I okay?

Hey.. Hi..

For the past few months, I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I know something is wrong with me nowadays and it's not a good thing. All of these started almost a year and a half ago. I tried to pretend that there's nothing wrong with me and trying to live my life as if nothing happened. However, the longer i suppressed everything, the harder it is for me to deal with my daily life.

I know self-diagnosis is a very very bad way to deal with whatever that happened with me right now, but it's something that I'm afraid and embarrassed to share with others. So, what actually happened?

As far as I remember, all these started during my first semester of second year. I started to lose interest in what I'm studying right now and tend to neglect everything. Yes, everything affected. I don't want to go to class, I don't like to do my assignment and I didnt study at all. If you know me during my highschool or asasi year, you know I'm not this kind of person. I really really like to study and when all of a sudden I hate to do the thing i love most, i feel like I'm lost somehow. Then my sleeping pattern changed. My eating pattern changed. It's hard.

Things get even worse during second semester of my 2nd year. That was the moment where I struggled most. That was the moment where i started to realize that there's something wrong with me and I want to settle this problem, but it's too hard and i don't think i can fight that battle alone. Everything went wrong. I feel so lonely. I can't share about it with my family or my friends. Basically, I'm all alone. Second year was the year that I didnt attend most of my class. And what makes it hurts more is that i feel bad about it. 

Entering 3rd year, all these problem still going on. But i tend to pretend that nothing is wrong. I suppressed everything. Anger, annoyance, sad, loneliness, everything. I have to be tough somehow as thats how I am since forever. But things get worse. So many problems happened. Friendship, love life, environment, everything. At one point, I'm so so tired with everything that i tend to self-destruct. I sleep most of the time, yes, i forced myself to sleep as when I sleep, i dont have to face all these problems. I eat to relieve my stress, but then the weight gain itself add up to my stress. I prefer to be alone, no friends, no family. Just me in my room, alone, no light, in my bed, forced myself to sleep.

Second semester of 3rd year, I'm still struggling with the same problem, but this time, i know i need to reach out for help. It's hard to tell people that something is wrong with me, mentally. And until this moment, as i'm writing this post, I'm not sure where to go to get help, but i know something is wrong with me and i need help.

So, i tried to do my own research on the symptoms of depression, hoping that I'm not having any depression actually, but all those materials that i read shows the same thing, DEPRESSION. That picture upthere is the example of those material. It says that if I experience 5 or more of the feelings, then maybe i have depression. Even other articles that i read, it's almost the same thing. If u have 5 or more of those feelings for the past 2 weeks, most probably u're having the D word. And as for me, i have 9 of the feelings continuously for the past one and a half year. I'm scared. The only thing that i don't experienced is the thoughts of death or suicide. Yang tu simpang malaikat. I still hold on to my agama. I know that doesnt solve anything. 

But still, i know my health deteriorated a lot since the past few years. My ability to remember things absolutely affected, I've been getting headache for the past 16 months and starting to have chest pain or heartache occasionally these past few months. The only thing that i scared most is the fact that tonight might be my last night. who knows whether I'll get up the next morning or not. 

Seriously, I'm scared.  

I'm used with having many responsibilities and tasks to be completed. But nowadays, i have too much that they appeared in my dreams. I kept getting anxiety when i woke up, chest pain during sleep and etc. Seriously, i need help.

So, if you think that everyone around you is so strong and tough that u can rely on them, think about it again. If you think you have the same problem as me, please find a way to get others to help u. Even though I'm unable to get any treatment yet, but I believe that there's a way to settle this problem.

I suffer all of those. I'm not sure whether I'm having depression or not, but i wish i dont have any.

If somehow u know anyone that can help me, please let me know privately. I'm not sure where to go or who i can ask to help me.

Me,

Syera.

Random Rant (I wrote this post on 31/12/2016 but decided to post it now when 2017 is almost over.. lol)

Assalamualaikum and Hi

Ermm.. Hi people. Actually, I'm planning to write a post tomorrow to conclude my 2016 and just recap whatever that happened this whole year esok. But then, a lil teaser wont hurt you kann.. 

So, if you only want to know about how life of syera (the law student) this year, it'll be tomorrow. 

As for now, i just want to be ira (my love life alter ego) for a while before entering 2017. 

So bear with me for a bit, okayyy??

Camne nak cakap eh.. I'm not upset, tapi lebih kepada sedar diri. Kalau perasan, I did found someone earlier this year, not going to say that we actually have something ke apa, as me myself not sure what are we actually. Thats why i kept ranting this whole year..hahahaha. Anyway, i must admit that it's not easy for me to make such decision, to open up to someone new. Seriously, i think about this over and over and over and over again just to ensure that I'll not go through what i've been through before. And after so much thoughts, with the help of God of course, i decided to give it a try as i believe it's something totally worth it. People around me said a lot about my decision. Some supported my decision, some warned me as if i did something terribly wrong. However, for once, I'm not sure why, i just want to be reckless even though i know the risk I'm going to face.

But, the problem is, I'm not sure why, but there's a line between us, but we're not sure what's the line. It's vague. And that caused so much problems to me. I'm not sure who i am, I'm not sure how far i can know or ask or care. It's difficult. I'm not sure whether I'm allowed to be jealous or not, am i allowed to be mad or sad or happy or not. And worst of all, I'm not sure if you're in all these too or I'm the only one. Maybe we're not on the same page. I might say 'us', but for u, it's still a 'you and me'. I know my tendency to be overly attached, and i did it once before, and you just left. It hurts a lot u know when you're trying your best to stay, but u're the only one who wanted to do so. So, at that time, I back out. Ashamed. Embarrassed.

However, I'm not sure how, naturally we end up contacting each other back, which in my point of view, the second chance. Mula-mula okay, but makin lama, i finally noticed whats going on. These symptoms happened to me with that guy before. Urmm, i can say that we're drifted apart.. hahhaah.. 

I end up getting blueticks, my questions left unanswered, my jokes and daily conversations tergantung.. u can say i'm being childish or over or whatever, but honestly, malu, segan semua ada.

 I tried my best to make this thing happen despite getting so much hate by others, but fighting alone is not my thing anymore. I used to, but i don't think i can do it again.

I used to fight alone for so long even though i know that relay supposed to end already since 3 years ago, but i brainwashed myself to believe that everything will be okay somehow. The thought of people leaving my life is horrifying. Haunted me for so long. I used to accept everything, forgive everything, tolerate a lot just to ensure he didn't leave my side. 

'I'm okay with anything, I'm not mad at you, as long as you're in my life'

That used to be my everyday chant. Just like right now, every single day, i wish that you're the one.

'If he's not the right one, let me know earlier so that I'll not get that into him. If he's the one, I leave everything to YOU. I know you're the best planner. Please please please make him stay. I'll be a good girl. I promise '.

Do you know how hard i try to bribe GOD.... hahahaha.. but seriously, looking at what we are now, I'm not sure whether i still want to fight for it or not. I'm not giving up, i just want to leave it alone. Insyallah, ada setahun lebih je lagi. Just like our first contract/agreement/memorandum, kalau ada, ada la kan. Till then, we'll be great friends k.

seriously, I'm not mad at u or give up ke apa, i just hate the fact that i'm assuming things on my own, not knowing who i am actually. That's all. Someone who used to say that he loves me, end up saying that I'm not worth it. I'm just scared. Tu je. But hey, I'm still your fan girl.. hahahaha.. tengok dari jauh. lol sedih sangat.. Ermm, tu je kot. Goodluck tho. With everything.

XOXO,

Ira

P/s: I have few alter egos. Syera is the normal law student or your normal friend or introvert, super mysterious batchmate. Kak Ngah is that independent daughter (sometimes like a son). Hira or Heera is the mooter or the Malaysian friend for my friends from other countries. Irah is the super senyap cousin or niece. And last but not least, Ira, the one who always have love life problems.

Update (August 2017): So, I wrote this post on the last day of 2016, but not sure why i end up saving it in the draft box and not post it on the blog. Anyway, here's the update. Well, I did fight for it for quite some time, but then I gave up knowing that there's no hope for it to work. And yeah, that person found a better one, and Syera still Syera. And he's not the only one who walked away. But life goes on. Currently, someone did approach me with unexpected way. Too early to say anything about it, but personally i don't think it will work because we're wayyy different. Family background, race, religion, language, appearance. But the fact that someone respects my religion, it is quite amusing. Hahahaha, rasa macam nak dedicate one post just for this thing because it's a very unique story and experience. Jap, I'm not playgirl ke apa. I'm not pretty to be that kind of girl. Things just happened hahaha. Ok la. Tu je kot for the update 

Random Rant (05/12/16)

Assalamualaikum and hi

So, i'm pretty much lifeless (kott.. maybe...) with all these assignments yang tah bila nak habis, plus those extra works as *ehem* the Exco Moot and Bahas (seriously, my sincere advice, don't be one..) yang nonstop since monthsss ago.

Anyway, despite busy dengan assignments, presentations, extra works and etc., banyak lagi masalah yang timbul.. therefore, here i am, 5 mins break from doing SOGA report yang sepatutnya dihantar an hour ago, writing some random rant. Why? Cause i need to, kalau tak, tak lena tido... cewaaahhhhh.. hahahah.

First, do u know how frustrating it is when u really really thought that maybe, just maybe, this is it, this is the one, and as a normal, sane girl like others ( i'm normal enough kot), i really do hope i can have a decent one now, but u end up frustrated as someone else said you need to forget about it. Like seriously, why on earth i cannot make my own decision, believe whatever i believe in right now. I know the fact that i believe that maybe somehow, miraculously it works (God pls..) is a risky one, but please, for just once, i really do want to believe this, even though you're stressing on how risky it is. For once, i just want to be reckless, do whatever i want, believe in whatever i want to, pray for anything that i wish for, and i might end up getting hurt (simpang malaikat la this one).

Yang penting, yes, i'm hurt bila for once, i'm getting happier ( a bit la kot, tak de la meriah sangat happynya), but somehow ada yang kata don't. Please, I'm not asking or wishing something like yours, nor like others that u guys look up for, and maybe i'm not deserve pun for any (ermm, maybe thats why korang camni), but anyway, i just want a decent one. Macam a bestfriend, yang extra best-best-bestfriend.

Second, exactlyyyyyy... This feeling is killing me. This vague, not-sure-who-made-it, not-sure-what-it-is line is killing me. Maybe it's the distance-for-a-while line, then my question would be until when?. Or maybe it's the nope-you're-just-friend line, then urmmm just friends it is. Or maybe it's the i-maybe-like-you-but-i'm-not-sure-about-it-yet line, then what am i supposed to do now. Orrrrr is it the I-know-there's-something-going-on-but-pretend-we-understand-about-it line?? 

The biggest question, who the hell that set this line?? and your line and my line, is it the same line? or totally different lines? Haaaaa, complicated ennn, just think about it. But why? Because this damn line we're talking about making me confuse on how much and how deep i can ask or talk on something, am i allowed to be jealous, mad, sad and whatever feelings it is (yo, admit it, i'm not the only one having this confusion kan? Ke memang I'm the only one having all these??) 

Whoever did this research kena tarik balik dia punya phd ke, master ke, degree ke, whatever yang dia ada. Menipu wei...

Anyway, despite all these confusions, must admit that somehow i'm happy to have all these feelings back after almost a year of being feeling-less (takda la takde perasaan langsung, but not that extreme feeling). Those feelings yang i thought i'll never feel it again, but now, walaupun i'm not in a relay macam dulu, but the fact that i'm able to feel it, i'm happy. Just a prove that i'm a human (normal one!) again. First, I'm jealous. Tbh, i really do know there's no such attachment, I'm not overly attached like before. But, must admit i do feel jealous sometimes (at least i pretend not to...). But worry not, even in friendship pun benda ni happen kannn... so yeah. Macam tibahjah seronok ada rasa jealous. And second, the fact that I'm longing and waiting. Lol, ni macam kelakar sikit. those feelings macam 'wei bila kau nak reply ni' or 'sebenarnya dia nak reply ke tak' or 'apsal dia tak reply, aku salah cakap ke' or 'maybe dia akan reply esok, maybe...' hahahahaha. Tapi macam seronok gak la bila that feeling ada balik (macamm, eh, aku manusia balik rupanya...) hahahaha. But seriously, no burden, just the fact that i'm able to feel all these again, proved that I'm fully move on. And I'm satisfied with that.

Ok last one. insecuritiessss.... lol, common rant. Macam biasa, i hate pretty girls. lol statement. But seriously, from the bottom of my heart, some pretty people always end up being one of the reasons my heart being crushed (hancur berkecai retak seribu...). When you know you're not pretty (at all), u try hard to be at least a little bit, like tiny bit pretty (but failed), and those pretty people always win. In whatever situation. Bukan la anti orang cantik ke apa. Ramai je yang iolls kenal baik2 je. But must admit, at some point, I'm frustrated with the world sebab tak adil (gitteeewwww). Diorang ni dah la cantik, lemah lembut, orang smua suka. Yang syera ni, dah la tak lawa, tak pandai, ganas pulak tu (ok sedih bash diri sendiri). tapi serious, aku jeles. Orang macam korang senang disukai. I used to be left because of pretty girls (yeee, lebih dari seorang girls tu) and i really hope the same thing will not happen again. I know to achieve that prettiness is impossible, sebab tu aku percaya, dah tau rupa tak lawa, at least akhlak tu cantikkan. Don't give me sugar-coated words kata syera lawa ke apa, mnipu smua tu. I know the fact that I'm not. Mcm mana saya tau? Obviously i tengok cermin, plus ramai je dah kata depan2 yang syera tak lawa, hahahaha. Dah biasa dah. Anyway, I'm insecure, every single day, i'm scared. I really am. But prinsip pasrah itu sentiasa diamalkan... hahahaha

So, in conclusion, just nak bagitau yang life student law ni, sesibuk mana pun, sempat jahh fikir pasal hati sat. Hahahaha. As long as idak kaco gheje kome, idak ganggu haghi kome, maka teruskan la. Idak ada sapa menghalang. Cuma, bio bepada. Ingat sesikit takpe, yang lebih serah je le kat Tuhan. Keje kome apa? Doa je le.. Teman idak la gatei beno ke, ghebe ke apa.. Cume bila kadang-kadang tu penat study, layan le kejap perasaan wanita ni kannn... ituje. Kalo kome rasa tak betul, tak payah ngikot. Teman hidup cara teman, kome hidup cara kome. mudah ye dak. Teman idak le kabor hidup teman ni elok ke benda.. idakkk,, teman tau hidup teman idak elok nye hahh,...itu jeee..

Sekiannn...

Yang penat blaja tapi masih nak tulis rant dia,

Syera

P/s: sesapa yang baca, pls, i'm not that kind of person yang sibuk sangat soal hati sampai tak belaja ke, keja tak jalan ke apa. Dia berjalan seiring (gitteeewwww...hahahaha) yang penting, I'm truly happy with my life right now as I know I'm too busy to have a commitment (but i still want one..hahaha) but still almost every day I'll find a way to have a small talk or conversations with my mom, or my girl or my (him) as they always somehow make me smile (even tak tau diorang nak kata apa, but nampak their name on my phone pun I'm happy enough) and giggle of course! So, moga Tuhan berkati kalian, penyeri hidup seorang syahirah yang hectic ^^

How I Wish...

Assalamualaikum and hi

I don't usually do this. 6.41pm, currently in Gloria Jean, all alone, trying my best to finish my case analysis assignment as quick as possible as the battery of my lappy only have 40 mins left. I'm busy. Too busy. But this 5 mins, i just want to share something I've been longing this whole week.

How I wish people can respect me as much as how I respect them. No need sugar-coated words as actions speak louder than words. 

How I wish I can go home. I miss my parents, I miss my cat, I miss my bed, I miss home-cooked food, I miss everything about my home.

How I wish I can just go for a drive at night, with coffee, enjoy the songs and a lil chat.

How I wish I can go for a random short trip like before. Genting, PD, Starbuck, Mamak. Nothing that expensive. I just want to see diff places, diff atmosphere.

How I wish I have time to focus on my study only just like everyone else, so that I wont feel stupid in class, i wont feel left behind by my batchmates.

How I wish i have my other half. Not to brag about, not about going to fancy date and not even about expensive gifts, just your presence make me feel safe and I know there's someone that always support my decisions. Being independent is a nice thing, but being lonely is too sad.

How I wish I dont need to feel jealous. There's always someone much prettier than me, that thinking about their existence alone make me feel bad. 

How I wish I can be like other girls, loved by others instead of being scared.

How I wish everything can be much easier.

How I wish....

Someone not that happy with her life,

Me 

Random Rant (051116)

Assalamualaikum and Hi

Hahahahahaha...

Anywayyyy, dah lama sangat tak tulis apa2. The last one on last July. And now, it's November already. I don't even write anything about my birthday simply because there's nothing to share about. To sum up what'd happened for the past few months, erm, I'm terribly busy with my classes, assignments, programs, competitions and heartache (lulss....)

So, i'll skip that 'classes, assignments, programs, competitions' part and straightly jump to that heartache part. Lol. If you wanna read something about law or debate or mooting or my travel experience, I'm not going to write any today, so, maybe you can read my blog again hari lain..

Erm, honestly after everything that happened before, tak pernah langsung I imagine that we're still going to talk, and tease, and sit across each other or whatever it is. Never. I thought, that's it. I'm truly embarrassed, one of the most embarrassing part of my life, and I believe, i should stop somehow. I tried, i really did, but certain feelings, u just cant deny. Tried to push you away, and it's hard.

Then, I don't know how it happened, but we end up almost like before eventhough not as close as before. Weird enough, every single day, i really really try to remind myself that I need to stay professional, try to stop myself from crossing the line u draw. But, it's too hard. Sometimes, i don't realized that some of my words and actions are not from 'Syera' or 'Hira', but from 'Ira'. Trying to remind myself that i should not get used to it as it's going to end soon, i'm terribly hurt. Being teased by people around me, i started to build up hope, but then, the next day, you'll crush every single hope that i created. 

Sad truth, but thats it. 

Honestly, i'm really really happy for the past few weeks. Happy too much. But i know, that happiness is just temporary. I know there's a countdown. Hate to admit, but still, those few days that I have left went by too quickly. There're moments that I really wish I can stop the time, but obviously I'm not God. What you did and what you said simply gave me all those up and down of emotions. And what your friends' said make my heart fluttered. But in the end, I know that I'm hoping for something that's not going to happen. Few weeks ago, I asked myself to really enjoy and appreciate those time i have left, but these days, I started to remind myself that i need to learn to stop. So that i wont hurt myself again. A year ago, when he left, he remind me that all those hope and expectations wont happen. Not even one. And i believe that, if i stay with the mindset that 'it's going to happen', I'll be crushed again. 

I'm scared. But then, that's it. If there's one thing that i can do after this, that'll be learn to let go, watch from afar and pray the best for them.

So, syera, don't blame yourself for feeling that way. It's okay to like someone. But then, for this time, u know that you need to let go soon. Dont rely too much, dont cling that much, just dont. Dont get hurt this time. Please.

Words from yourself to yourself,

Syera.

*don't forget this*

*simply because it defines exactly how we are ^^*

Random Rant

Hye ^^

Ermm.. Exam dah habis. Nothing to do. A lot of free time.. 

Takde la free sangat pun, banyak je kerja, just not in the mood to do so. 

Anyway, here I am, writing some random rant.

To be honest, these past few days, I'm not sure what's wrong with me, each thing or decision that i made, somehow make me feel sad.

And, i did think about this a lot, and now i know why.

Actually, ramaiiii sangat orang tanya, why am i like this. Kenapa seorang syera sangat misteri, sangat pelik, sangat susah nak faham, sangat susah nak dekat. Erm, dari kecik lagi, I dont like to be around so many people. Too pemalu. Tak suka jumpa new people. Tak suka bercakap when it is not necessary. Even though I'm naturally jenis banyak cakap, but somehow, I only talked to people that I'm closed with. Haaaa, kalau dah rapat, u'll know how a chatterbox I am.

Thats why, seorang syera ni tak banyak kawan. Dari tadika, sampai sekolah rendah, sampaila sekolah menengah, i kept my circle very small. Max friends ada la kot 3,4 orang. Yang lain2 memang akan diabaikan. Sorry. And, at that moment, i thought i am weird. I know I'm not being choosy or disgusted with other people around, but i just dont like the idea of having so many people around me, and too many feelings to look after. So, I end up having just few friends, and being called as a snob. However, these few friends are too precious. I really really care about them, I don't care if i need to hurt myself for them, just as long as they're happy. That's who I am. 

Bila masuk asasi, baru perasan how different i am compared to other people. I took months to start talking to my roommates and classmates. I really did ignored people if i don't feel like talking. Did some reading, and found out that actually, I'm an introvert. Then, everything started to make sense. That's why I'm being over-protected over my bestfriends. 

Masa sekolah rendah and menengah, perangai baran sangat teruk, i did hit and fought with people around me. Ramai kena tengking, kena sepak, kena penampar, kena baing dengan kerusi, pen etc...but somehow, at one point, I realized how i hurt people around me badly, how bad people scared when they see me, I just feel bad, and decided to change myself. I learnt to hold my anger, and keep everything to myself. Unexpectedly, this habit of mine, end up hurt myself.

Even until now, I really keep my circle small. Just few bestfriends and I'm being over-protected. Seorang syera just takut kawan yang dia ada tinggal dia sorang2. The thought of it really scared me to death. One of my bestfriends really did left me before, and I crumbled. Therefore, i decided that, whatever happened, I'll just keep everything to myself, it's ok if I'm the one who'll cry, but please, i don't want my bestfriends to leave. But, bila masuk zama uni, i learnt to accept that even my bestfriends have their own bestfriends. I learnt to give them their own space and time. And as for me, I learn to live alone. 

That's why, accepting new people into my life is not an easy task. I'm not sure whether you can handle my perangai or I'm not sure whether you can understand certain decisions that i make. Believe me, any of my decision, i really really think about u guys first before myself. These past few days, i just realized how selfish i am, how over-protective i can be towards my bestfriends. So, i learnt to leave them alone, let them have their space and time.

Just one thing, don't ask me to be friendly, or open up to other people. You might see me being friendlier than usual, but trust me, I'm just pretending to be so. Suka ke if awak terpaksa berlakon jadi orang lain? Maybe, seorang syera takkan pernah ada ramai kawan, and seorang syera akan terus ditakuti, but thank God, i still have my bestfriends. 

Just like everyone else, I'm trying my best to be better too. Just, don't give up on me ok. Anda sangat sangat sangatlah bernilai dalam hidup seorang syera.

Sekian.... random rant seorang syera.

Someone who is missing her fbbbf,

Syera ^^

Maybe. Maybe. IA. but still, u owe me a hye.

My type of guy

Assalamualaikum... Hai ^^

No, final exam tak habis lagi..

 Tengah take 5 from reading, and saja nak tulis something.

Erm, for the past few days, people around me asked on what kind of guy I'm looking for.. Until last night, one of my high school junior contacted me to share her problem with me. She's too worried that now she's 18 and still no boyfriend yet. Don't worry dear, I'll not reveal your name, unless, I found the right one for u.. lol, kidding.

Anyway, she said it is hard to find someone yang menepati citarasa dia. Hahaha.. She has this one list on what kind of guy she wants to date. 

Well, it's not an embarrassing thing. I used to have my own list too.

Seriously, i used to have this one list on what kind of guy that I'm looking for. Can't remember tho. But, if I'm not mistaken, I used to dream on dating a tall guy with wide shoulders, with great career and verrryyyy romantic. 

Banyak lagi yang i listed out, but can't remember somehow.

Then, I'm introduced to kpop world.. 

Oh.My.God. lagi la my list on perfect boyfriend material bertambah. Lagi2 waktu tu tengah musim Boys Over Flower, omg, Tuhan je tau how complicated nak pilih between Lee Min Ho, dengan Kim Hyun Joong dengan Kibum tu. Berhari-hari fikir...hahahaha.. Then, lagi exposed to kpop world, lagi merepek list tu jadi. And even now, kpop dramas really really influenced girls' imagination.

Including me... ^^

Introducingggg... 

my current crush *blushed* ok, dulu Taeyang, sekarang dah tukar jadi Jota..hehehe.. Nak tau sebab apa crush sangat, ermm check kat youtube pls. Cair wehhhh..hahaha

Ok, back to the main point, after all these crushes and what so not, I can promise you, all these are not realistic at all. Seriously.

Erm, adik2, ni akak nak cakap sikit, from pengalaman akak sendiri, semua list2 ni so merepek. Korang tak boleh list 10 ciri-ciri lelaki idaman, and reject one guy sebab dia ada 8,9 je dari ciri2 yang korang list tu. That's absolutely nonsense. Maybe, just maybe, it's ok to have your own list, but then, make it a realistic one. Contohnya, a guy who can accept your flaws and your past. Kau ingat kau sorang je ada list, laki tu takde list. I've been there before, trying to find the best guy. But obviously, with this face, memang tak la jawab dia.

Anyway, satu lagi nasihat, you're just 18 dear. Sangat2 muda. I'm 21 anyway, and I believe I'm still young too.. hahaha. My point is, jangan risau, u're just 18, baru start matrik. Belum start zaman uni pun lagi. Kau tak tau macam-macam jenis laki lagi kau akan jumpa. And, when I'm 18, i did a mistake, so I hope u'll not do the same thing. I know you're worried enough knowing that your friend is getting married. My bestfriend pun kawen gak dik, kita chill je.

Personally, this is my advice. You're young, kind and beautiful. I know, one day, u'll be the one who'll have hard time to choose which one to be with. As for right now, focus on your study, enter good university, and let the right guy come at the right time. I believe that great guy deserve a great lady. Not a girl, but a lady. Not just a lady, but a great lady. So, do your best to improve yourself. Set your own goals, and try to achieve them. Erm, one more thing, maybe I'm not the best person to give such words, but cuba dekatkan diri dengan Tuhan. Everything will change if you do that.

I've been through a lot. Maybe ada lagi orang yang dah lalui pengalaman lagi teruk, but after whatever that happened before, rather than having a relationship yang boleh buat kawan2 jealous, what I want most is assurance. I want to live my life knowing that I can complete my degree, do whatever I want to do and achieve what i've been dreaming about, and at the end of the day, he'll be there, waiting for me. Bunyi macam makcik-makcik kan, but after going through that much, i just don't want to cry anymore. Thats all.

So, berbalik kepada issue list ciri-ciri lelaki idaman ni, maybe it's okay to have one, if kalau betul la dapat, omg, u're so lucky. Hahahaha. But whoever you end up with, remember that he deserve to be happy as much as u are. 

Soooooo.... for now, jom ubah diri sendiri dulu k. Akak tak pernah baik dengan Tuhan sebelum ni, but then, I believe that whatever happened before, there's always a chance to just go back to Him. Erm, maybe, mana tau, Dia tengah plan surprise for you. Kot la Dia jumpakan anda dengan jodoh anda waktu tengah selak2 buku dekat library uni or mungkin waktu jalan2 nak gi kelas, tiba2 je ada orang terlanggar buku jatuh bersepah.. Haaaaa, who knows. HE wrote your own love story already. You'll meet the right one soon. Just doa yang Dia akan temu kan korang sooner. hahaha. Till then, chill ok. enjoy your life first. 

And, to answer your question again on my type of guy... 

Well, i wish i'll end up with a guy yang siang pakai suit, malam pakai baju melayu kain pelikat.

Hahahaha... well, nama pun my dream kan. At least i want a guy who appreciate me as a blessing.

Thats all.

So, kena sambung study balik. Still have two more papers before raya.

Someone who is trying to be a great lady,

Kak Syera ^^